Killer heels are always in fashion, because having two raw bloodied steaks instead of feet is fun and attractive. These sadist heels come in a variety of colours and styles but only one height: vertiginous and nosebleed-inducing. All killer shoes come with pain factor 1000 guaranteed, for your own good, because if you are not cross-eyed with pain then they’re not sexy enough. Whilst hobbling around the dancefloor in a London nightclub this weekend in a classic pair of killer heels, in order to distract myself from the raging red mist obscuring my vision, I came up with a list of alternative uses for my killer heels in order that I never have to wear them ever again.
1. Weapons. I am constantly short of deadly weapons, despite the fact that our country is continually churning them out and sending them overseas to various rich dictators who probably have fewer enemies than me. I feel that my killer heels could be put to much better use being launched at my enemies, either flung into the air as lone diamante missiles, or bundled up with several other pairs into killer-heel-boulders, set on fire and rolled down distant hills in the vague direction of people I don’t like.
2. Tools. I don’t have a tool box because I subscribe to this special modern creed of feminism that I made up that says that it’s fine to get men to fix stuff that looks too fiddly or boring for me to do myself. This recently culminated in me putting together a flatpack wardrobe using a rolling pin, which immediately collapsed. Stiletto heels make excellent alternatives to hammers, if you’re hammering cheese onto a cracker, and you can also use them to prop open doors and stuff.
3. Quirky ceiling decor. Most people don’t bother decorating their ceilings, because most people don’t look up much. This is an error! We should always be scanning the skies for threats from pigeons and other predators, and quirky ceiling decor will facilitate this, encouraging people to look up whenever they change rooms. Glue your killer heels to the plaster by the soles, like there’s lots of invisible women pretending their feet aren’t hurting at a party on the ceiling. Occasionally a shoe will come unstuck and hit an unsuspecting person on the head. This will teach them to be more aware of airborne threats.
4. Bookends. Like most post-traumatic English graduates I have too many books and too few bookends, and while I can’t quite bring myself to alphabetise the choked, heaving stacks, it’s time to establish some sort of order before Ellroy meets the Brontes and it all descends into total literary anarchy. Using shoes as bookends is seen as quirky and ironic in certain circles (hipsters who wear thick-rimmed lensless glasses and ostentatiously tattered clothes), so you can Instagram sepia-filtered images of your newly (shoely) organised bookshelf, and irritate all your social media followers – the only real way to recover from a high-heel hangover.
5. Basic human survival. Once you have spent all your money on killer shoes you can’t walk in, you will face a long, hard winter without food or central heating. Put all your killer shoes into a wheelbarrow, push it to the end of the garden and set them on fire. Roast protein-rich insects over the fire for nutrition, and keep close to the flames to get that interesting eyebrowless look.