We have discussed this Rick: No hanky panky
If you wish to interest and impress people then it is incredibly important to appear as mysterious as possible in all situations. Mystery doesn’t come easily to every woman; no, it is far more tempting to doctrine every minuscule detail of your personal life in an online blog for everyone to read. Using this personal anti-expertise as a foil, I will now endeavour to guide you on how to be titillating and mysterious, supplementing each tip with a personal example for clarity.
1. Never boast. Rather, sprinkle no more than a tangy hint of an achievement or accomplishment you wish to highlight into a conversation, so that the other person prompts you for more information. Try to look modest if you can, then tell them briefly about your scientific discovery / recent coronation, and beg the listener not to tell anyone – “It’s such a trifle really”. This will make the listener think “Ah, if that is a trifle then imagine what else she gets up to” and the rumour mill will start to churn. For example, when in Rome last week an Italian male asked me “So, do you travel a lot?” I said “Well, I lived in Spain for 3 months, but it flew by – such a trifle really”. Sadly he then began to ask me questions in Spanish (easier than English apparently) and so I resorted to an enigmatic smile and a lot of sage nodding (I didn’t pick up much Spanish during my trip although did become an expert at pointing and waving). The Italian male was intoxicated by my mystery, evidenced by his blank, confused gaze.
2. Use metaphors and similes to conceal your personality, motives and general beliefs. Last week at a party some poor misguided soul was chatting to me about his huge salary. I responded “Ah yes, money. Money, I have found, is like a grasping whore – it begs to be spent and yet when you try to switch banks it forms a paper-thin noose around your neck. Move and you will tear the notes. Stay and you will be trapped forever in her clutches.” I then wandered off, trailing mystery and dementia in my wake.
3. Don’t have sex. Ever. Having sex removes the very last boundary between you and another person and you will never be mysterious again. Ever heard of Kate Middleton shagging someone who isn’t William? (She may not even shag him – taking care of that mane of hair is a full-time job by all accounts.) I myself have not had sex for several centuries; I can tell because I am climbing the walls and snarling angrily at couples in the street. Chastity does have its rewards though, once you circumnavigate the waves of biological bewilderment, frustration and fury that come hand in hand. #sexrage
4. Never finish a sentence. Trailing off at the end of the sentence creates intrigue, as the listener always assumes that you have forgotten what you were saying because something far more exciting has caught the edge of your mind. It also spares the need to have a story to tell, as you are leaving that part to the listener. To master the perfect trail-off, practise on your pets: “Rover, I’ve been meaning to tell you about the time I went to Thailand and such a strange thing happened… I’ve never been the same….” Then wander off looking thoughtful. You may well be talking about food poisoning but Rover does not need to know this.
5. Follow the stars. Watch millions of classic films like Roman Holiday, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, basically anything with Audrey Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman or Grace Kelly in it – these people drip with intrigue. Think to yourself, “What would Humphrey Bogart say in this situation?” then say the exact same thing. For example:
Friend: “Mary this is my friend Robert. He’s a big fan of your blog.”
Me: “Of all the gin joints in all the bars in all the world, you have to walk into mine.” Follow up with a despairing look and order a large whiskey. If Robert looks scared, reassure him by saying “I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship” then take his arm and wander off into the fog together.